Anger, disappointment, grief, sadness, guilt, hopelessness, betrayal, resentment, relief, and confusion are all common feelings associated with separation and divorce. Separation and divorce are difficult for all parties involved but especially for children who experience all of the above when their families transition through a break up. Their experience is often marked by confusion and helplessness as they may erroneously feel that they are to blame for their parents’ separation and lack the control to do anything about it.

To ease this difficult transition for children and minimize behavioral acting out, parents should be aware of the following parenting strategies:

• •Keep similar structure at both houses. Keep bedtimes, meal times, homework, and other routines as similar as possible, especially if children travel between homes during the week. Different rules and expectations at different homes lead to more confusion and frustration for children.
• •Try to agree on similar ways of handling discipline and consequences. Follow through with the consequences you threaten and inform the other parent. Do not undermine the other parent’s consequences. If you have an issue with how discipline is being handled, speak with the other parent directly and not through your child.
• •Do not undermine your child’s relationship with the other parent. You may have strong negative feelings about your ex, but your child is not the person with whom you should confide. Keep value judgments about your ex far from little ones’ ears. Children often internalize negative judgments about parents as negative judgments about self: “If Dad is so bad and I came from Dad, I must be bad, too.”
• •Unless you truly fear for your child’s safety, respect the custody arrangements and plans made with the other parent. It is typically in your child’s best interest to have a large network of support on both sides of the family. Resist the mind-set that your child is a prize you deserve. Your child loves you both and wants to be with you both. Don’t try to convince him or her otherwise.
• •As angry, frustrated, and hurt as you may be, take time to stay connected with your child and how he or she is experiencing the changes in family dynamics and structure. Children tend to feel helpless during a family divorce. Listen to your child and take his or her concerns seriously. Let him or her have some say in arrangements such as holiday traditions or decoration of a new bedroom.

Separation and divorce are far from simple, but can be managed in a healthy way for children when their needs and feelings are placed at the forefront of each decision made.