Imagine for a moment that you are playing a game of baseball. When you get up to bat you are informed that you have four outs instead of the three you were expecting and suddenly the pitcher throws a football. What do you do? Do you hit the football with your bat? Do you try to catch the ball and run? Next time you come up to bat, you have one chance to hit a tennis ball. How do you feel? Confused? Stressed? Frustrated? Helpless? When rules and expectations are not predictable, we tend to experience increased levels of discomfort and stress. Your children are no different. Research shows that high levels of childhood stress have a detrimental effect on brain development and academic performance. One of the most stressful experiences for a child is lack of appropriate routines and structures in the home. Without these important boundaries, children experience internal chaos and confusion.
        Implementing family routines can be quite simple and allow for variations in family and cultural values. The key is consistency. Create routines that make sense for your family and that you are committed to following. Basic routines include consistent wake, bed, meal, and homework times, as well as set times for play and family fun. Be creative and create a family schedule poster to hang where everyone will see and be reminded.
        Consistent family rules are also important. It can be easy to overdo it with rule setting, so begin with non-negotiable rules that stem from your family values. For example, if you have a family value of non-violence than the natural rule stemming from this value is “No physical fighting. Period.” Keep the rules simple, and try to keep from creating a litany of “don’ts”. Involve older children in the creation of the rules to instill greater ownership, responsibility, and family cohesion. In discussing the rules, create logical consequences that make sense and mean something. This is also a good opportunity to negotiate positive reinforcement strategies including behavior charting and reward programs. Once a consequence is enacted or a reward promised, follow through. If your child is grounded for five days, he or she is grounded for five days. If your child earns an hour later bedtime on Friday for turning in homework all week, than 9:00 it is.
        Once your routines and structures are in place, as parent, assess where you can strike a balance. Many parents report feeling “turned off” by the implied rigidity of routines and rules. At times, you will need to be flexible, but it is better to begin with a foundation than to let your child experience the internal stress and chaos of inconsistent and unpredictable rules and routines. They look to you to set the course- to let them know when they have stepped out of bounds. To do that, you first must clearly establish your boundaries, rules, and routines. As I recently heard from a parent, don’t be afraid to be “the captain” of your family ship. Happy sailing!

        I recently spoke with a group of young mothers. As they shared of the responsibilities and demands of parenting young children, I was struck by the exhaustion, stress, and sadness they expressed. They were extremely committed to being “good” mothers and caring for their children but had lost sight of the importance of taking care of one’s self in the process. Some seemed puzzled when I dared to suggest that they should observe regular “girls’ nights out” or lock their bathroom door, light some candles, and indulge in a bubble bath. What would their children do?!
        Self-care is of two-fold importance. In pervious articles we’ve touched on the effect our emotions have on the people around us, especially children. When you experience stress, sadness, anger, etc., your children sense your emotions and often mirror them. It isn’t coincidence when your child acts out on an already crummy day. While it is appropriate and normal to experience a range of emotions, it is equally important to cope with them in healthy ways. This is the second reason why self-care is important: it models and shows your children how to express and cope with difficult emotions and times in healthy ways. Children will do what they see: positive or negative.
        So, what is self-care? Self-care is realizing when you are overwhelmed and need to take a step back to soothe yourself. It is reading a book in the evening after dinner and a long day. It is keeping up with a nutrition and exercise plan and getting enough sleep. It is taking time to meet with close friends without the children around. It is addressing and limiting unnecessary sources of stress in your life. It is joining a league if you are an athlete at heart. It is seeking treatment for addiction or mental illness. It is singing and dancing your heart out. It is taking a moment to count your blessings. It is taking the opportunity to recharge, which enables you to return to caring for others.
        I often recommend creating an individualized self-care plan with the following prompt: When I feel ___________________, I will ____________________________.
For example, “When I feel frustrated, I will exercise to work out my aggression.” Involve the entire family in an activity of Coping ABCs. List the ABCs on a piece of paper and come up with as many self care or coping activities as you can for each letter. This provides an instant menu of self-care options to choose from. Good luck taking time to care for yourself. The better you take care of YOU, the better you can care for your loved ones, and the better they learn to care for themselves.

        In looking at family stress patterns, the boundaries that exist between family members and how information is shared between members based on those boundaries are important influential factors. Boundaries are, quite simply, the visible or invisible lines that define us as separate from one another. They also regulate closeness and how we behave. Boundaries fall into three categories: physical, social, and emotional. In lower stress families, boundaries are clearly defined and respected. When boundaries are not present or respected, families tend to dissolve into chaos. Chaos = Stress.
        When working with families, one boundary I see blurred quite often is that between parents and children. In an effort to promote family transparency, unity, and perceived equality, parents may “befriend” their children and share more information than a child is developmentally able to process or understand. According to Jean Piaget’s Stages of Cognitive Development, elementary school age children are able to perform concrete logical thinking but do not gain abstract thought until Adolescence. So, based on concrete thinking, a statement like “Grandma has cancer” is interpreted as “Grandma is ill and will die.” Witnessing a marital argument may be interpreted as “Mom and Dad are going to get a divorce.” When we share too much information about finances, family health issues, marital issues, etc., children tend to internalize that stress. They often become quite fearful. When speaking with your child about difficult family situations, remember that your child is not a mini adult- no matter how mature he or she may seem.

How well does your family create and respect boundaries?

• •Are family members allowed personal space? Does everyone have a “bubble”? What happens when someone “pops” someone else’s “bubble”? Are your children comfortable with how affection is shared in the family? Are they free to express their limits on affection and physical closeness? Is there zero tolerance for physical violence?

• •How does your family respect social boundaries? Do you and your children understand and respect the property of others? Are there rules at home everyone is expected to abide by? Are school rules followed and respected at home? Does your child understand the relational differences between family members, friends, teachers, and strangers? Are family arguments handled discreetly at home not in public?

• •How does your family respect emotional boundaries? Is there zero tolerance for name-calling and bullying? Do adults in the family consider the feelings and understanding level of children before sharing information? Are children free to play and “act their age”? Are children free to express their own feelings and preferences?

        When it comes to supporting your child’s academics, you know the basics: Children need food in their stomachs, a good night’s sleep, and adequate time to study and complete assignments. What aren’t always obvious are the factors that influence these basic educational needs. Many families struggle financially, work and live alternative or inconsistent schedules, and navigate difficult interpersonal relationships. This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of family stressors that, when left unchecked, potentially have a detrimental effect on your child’s ability to learn and thrive in school and social relationships.
        You may be thinking, “Well, these are my issues. I send my child to school, so what’s the problem?” In families, no man is an island: our stresses and struggles effect everyone around us whether we intend them to or not. Negative or positive, notice how one person’s attitude has the power to change the entire climate of the dinner table conversation or family vacation.
        Children are emotional sponges; they soak up the predominant emotions around them. They also learn how to cope by observing you and your reactions. So, if you are stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, angry, anxious, etc. imagine what your child is picking up on. Research conducted by the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child has found that high levels of stress have a profound detrimental effect on brain development in young children, most notably, disruption of brain circuit connections during critical developmental periods of early childhood. Also, high levels of cortisol, our body’s stress hormone, in children not only suppress immune system response but also damage the areas of the brain responsible for learning and memory. When children experience high stress, they don’t know what to do with it. They do not have the cognitive ability to process and cope with stressors the way adults do. So, under stressful family conditions, it is common for children to have difficulty focusing at school and display disruptive outward behaviors or internalized anxious or depressive symptoms as forms of expression. Not quite the recipe for academic success, right?
        This article is the first in a series on coping with and decreasing family stress. Family boundaries, parental self-care, appropriate structure and routine, and positive communication are areas that will be covered to help you and your child live and function to your healthiest potential. Stress isn’t your problem; it’s a family issue. The good news is that you have the power and opportunity to make effective, often small, changes where needed to influence the health and positivity of your family.

Anger, disappointment, grief, sadness, guilt, hopelessness, betrayal, resentment, relief, and confusion are all common feelings associated with separation and divorce. Separation and divorce are difficult for all parties involved but especially for children who experience all of the above when their families transition through a break up. Their experience is often marked by confusion and helplessness as they may erroneously feel that they are to blame for their parents’ separation and lack the control to do anything about it.

To ease this difficult transition for children and minimize behavioral acting out, parents should be aware of the following parenting strategies:

• •Keep similar structure at both houses. Keep bedtimes, meal times, homework, and other routines as similar as possible, especially if children travel between homes during the week. Different rules and expectations at different homes lead to more confusion and frustration for children.
• •Try to agree on similar ways of handling discipline and consequences. Follow through with the consequences you threaten and inform the other parent. Do not undermine the other parent’s consequences. If you have an issue with how discipline is being handled, speak with the other parent directly and not through your child.
• •Do not undermine your child’s relationship with the other parent. You may have strong negative feelings about your ex, but your child is not the person with whom you should confide. Keep value judgments about your ex far from little ones’ ears. Children often internalize negative judgments about parents as negative judgments about self: “If Dad is so bad and I came from Dad, I must be bad, too.”
• •Unless you truly fear for your child’s safety, respect the custody arrangements and plans made with the other parent. It is typically in your child’s best interest to have a large network of support on both sides of the family. Resist the mind-set that your child is a prize you deserve. Your child loves you both and wants to be with you both. Don’t try to convince him or her otherwise.
• •As angry, frustrated, and hurt as you may be, take time to stay connected with your child and how he or she is experiencing the changes in family dynamics and structure. Children tend to feel helpless during a family divorce. Listen to your child and take his or her concerns seriously. Let him or her have some say in arrangements such as holiday traditions or decoration of a new bedroom.

Separation and divorce are far from simple, but can be managed in a healthy way for children when their needs and feelings are placed at the forefront of each decision made.

Spring is almost upon us, and with the increasing temperatures come Little League sign-ups, dance competitions, end of the year projects, swimming lessons, family picnics- the list goes on and on! Managing your own schedule can be overwhelming enough, but when we add all the activities that are “good” for your child on a daily basis it is positively daunting.

Parents often feel responsible for providing children with a variety of experiences to help them discover their interests and talents that may lead to stress relieving hobbies or a career someday. Connecting with a faith community, family, and peers also factors into many family schedules. But, the truth is we only have so many hours in a day! Despite the fact that children are involved in positive activities, there can be too much of a good thing. Signs of an over-scheduled child may include: irritability, declining school performance, difficulty sleeping, decreased interest in certain activities he or she once enjoyed, worry about being good enough or getting everything done, and conflict with parents.

Remember that children communicate with us through their behavior. If you notice these changes, ask your child how busy he or she feels. Ask about worries. Then sit down and prioritize all the child’s activities in a week. Write down all the activities your child is involved in and any you would like to include in the future. Number them in order of importance. If your child is older elementary age, ask him or her to number them as well and compare lists. Especially if school work has suffered, make sure that homework and school attendance are priority number one. Print out or draw a calendar template or timeline beginning with the time your child wakes up and ends with bedtime. Fill in meals, school time, and hygiene first. Figure out how much time needs to be devoted to homework each day. With the time left in the day, plug in the next priority and so on. If family time and piano lessons are prioritized higher than soccer, you may find that there isn’t time to attend practices and games four to five days a week and go to Grandma’s on Sundays and piano lessons on Wednesdays. But, maybe there is time to take part in a different activity on the list once a week. Which activities can go on hold for a while to accommodate another? Which activities can wait until the summer? Don’t forget that children need a little down-time to recharge and even just play, too. Remember nap time?

You may be thinking, “No, we have to do this for the future” or “My child has to be involved in extra-curricular activities, because they are good for her.” While the former is certainly true, children feel better about themselves and more competent in their abilities when they are given the chance to focus on one or two activities that they are committed to and have the time and energy to do well. This instills responsibility, structure, commitment, self-worth, and a sense of belonging. Teaching your child to manage priorities early on may save you and your child a lot of anxiety in the future. It’s all important, but not all of it is necessary, which is a much healthier way to approach our busy lives than saying “Yes” to everything. Good luck!

Summer is prime time for family reunions. What is it that compels us to travel hundreds of miles to be with people we may not have seen for years or maybe haven’t even met?! To be human is to crave connection. We are born relational beings, and the very first relationship we encounter is with our family. As time goes by, we branch out into other types of relationships: friends, significant others and spouses, co-workers, etc but something almost cosmic draws us back to our family of origin. Of course, not all memories and experiences with family are pleasant. Our individual experiences shape our view and our motives behind gathering as a family. Some people enter the family reunion armed with questions and looking for answers; others merely want to spend a little longer basking in the memory of “the good ol’ days.” Some now adult members find they don’t quite have the same things in common with cousins they did as childhood companions but discover the gift of seemingly “new” family members they now can relate to as the mantle of childhood has slipped away. Whatever your experience of reuniting as a family is, here are some things to keep in mind:

• Reunions are a fantastic opportunity to piece together stories and information from the family history. If you’ve always wondered about The Legend of Great Aunt Ida’s Award Winning Apple Pie, this is the time to ask. It’s interesting how many versions of the story you may encounter from different viewpoints…
• Reunions are a time for sharing and passing along family traditions. Recently, I experienced this at my own family reunion as many of us sat around my great aunt’s dining room table poring through the old family recipes, making copies to take home and share with our own growing families.
• Often, old wounds fester in families. Although it may be tempting, the reunion is not the time to corner cousin Joe with all of your grievances or ideas about how he should live his life. Your concern and/or hurt may be well-founded, but this type of confrontation is better done with thoughtful planning and care and in private. You don’t want your big scene to be what everyone talks about at the next reunion, so keep things positive. This is a family reunion not war.
• Be openminded. You’ve probably changed a lot over the years and the family has, too. Try not to pigeonhole people in the past. See them for who they are and acknowledge positive changes and show understanding for difficulties. Thankfully, we aren’t 13 years old forever, so respect family members and where they are in the family life cycle TODAY.
• Lastly, bring the stories and traditions home to share. Accept the connection between you and your family ties and how they shape so much of who you are even with the distance of miles and years between you.

It’s 10:00pm on Wednesday night, and your phone rings. You soon realize that it’s Uncle Jesse and a wave of anxiety comes over your entire body. You know this can’t be good… Sound familiar? What do we do with the Uncle Jesse’s in our lives- the chronically troubled family member? Maybe it’s a family member that never seems to be able to hold on to a job or manage finances responsibly, or the “drama queen” trying to lure you into taking her side against the others, or a family member struggling with an addiction or major mental illness.

Typically, the first reaction is to help in some way. As family, there is a bond and kinship that implies responsibility and closeness to one another beyond other relationships. So, we care and we feel that we need to do something, because that’s what family does! But is our response really that helpful or caring? When Uncle Jesse gets bailed out of his rent for the fifth time this year, how is that helping? He got what he wanted, but was that really what he needed? Sounds like Uncle Jesse has learned (or been enabled) to not take responsibility for his actions. The message he receives loud and clear is “I don’t have to be an adult, someone will take care of this for me.” Also, pay attention to how you feel each time you are approached for “help.” Does your altruism and family spirit give way to feelings of obligation and resentment? Ask yourself if your action/reaction reinforces the “troubling” behavior in some way. If it does, you may want to take a step back and think it over or get an opinion from an unbiased third party. What might be a better way to help? Sometimes people have a difficult time recognizing that what they want isn’t really the best thing or even what they really need.

Of course, family members care for and help each other, but I recommend putting boundaries around how far you are wiling to go and how much you are willing to sacrifice in the name of family. A friend of mine was recently approached by a close family member for money to pay bills. My friend was fairly certain that this family member was abusing drugs at the time and the money would be paying for the next “fix”, but the desire to help family in need lead her to the decision to give the money requested. She felt the need to satisfy and honor a feeling of obligation to her family but decided that she would not pay any subsequent bills and told her family member so. It didn’t stop the requests from coming, but she stuck to her resolve and slowly the requests are diminishing. Her family member isn’t happy, but both have more respect for her now that she has clearly imposed her limit.

Families are often a wonderful source of support, love, and caring. That being said, being “family” doesn’t set you up for a lifetime of being taken advantage of unless you let it. Boundaries aren’t easy and take a lot of practice, but they are worth it to protect your personal and family integrity.

As a child, nothing excited me more than the last day of school before summer vacation. Freedom! Fast forward to now, and the children and teens I work with are just as excited as I was! But, sometimes parents dread the lazy days of summer and for good reason. Idle time can be a recipe for disaster, especially for children and teens with behavioral issues and attention and impulse control difficulties. Many of you probably have your own stories about the “trouble” you got into during the summer when no one was watching. While honoring the wonder and adventure of summer-time exploits, it is imperative that school aged children continue some kind of structured routine. Continue to enforce curfews, bedtimes, and morning alarms, but feel free to modify a bit from the school year schedule and be flexible at times. The Summer is a great time for young people to hone their artistic and athletic abilities and interests through community programs and specialized camp experiences. Maybe rediscover the library and the joy of reading books THEY get to choose!

Continued supervision during the summer is also very important. Know where your kids are, who they are with, and when they’ll be back. Check in periodically during the day with your pre-teens and teens to show you care but also to build trust (or uncover trouble before it gets too far!). Make sure your children know that the basic rules of the household don’t change just because school isn’t in session. Chores and family responsibilities are expected. Children often thrive in structured environments, so do them and yourself a favor by keeping those little (and not so little) hands and minds occupied!