Imagine for a moment that you are playing a game of baseball. When you get up to bat you are informed that you have four outs instead of the three you were expecting and suddenly the pitcher throws a football. What do you do? Do you hit the football with your bat? Do you try to catch the ball and run? Next time you come up to bat, you have one chance to hit a tennis ball. How do you feel? Confused? Stressed? Frustrated? Helpless? When rules and expectations are not predictable, we tend to experience increased levels of discomfort and stress. Your children are no different. Research shows that high levels of childhood stress have a detrimental effect on brain development and academic performance. One of the most stressful experiences for a child is lack of appropriate routines and structures in the home. Without these important boundaries, children experience internal chaos and confusion.
        Implementing family routines can be quite simple and allow for variations in family and cultural values. The key is consistency. Create routines that make sense for your family and that you are committed to following. Basic routines include consistent wake, bed, meal, and homework times, as well as set times for play and family fun. Be creative and create a family schedule poster to hang where everyone will see and be reminded.
        Consistent family rules are also important. It can be easy to overdo it with rule setting, so begin with non-negotiable rules that stem from your family values. For example, if you have a family value of non-violence than the natural rule stemming from this value is “No physical fighting. Period.” Keep the rules simple, and try to keep from creating a litany of “don’ts”. Involve older children in the creation of the rules to instill greater ownership, responsibility, and family cohesion. In discussing the rules, create logical consequences that make sense and mean something. This is also a good opportunity to negotiate positive reinforcement strategies including behavior charting and reward programs. Once a consequence is enacted or a reward promised, follow through. If your child is grounded for five days, he or she is grounded for five days. If your child earns an hour later bedtime on Friday for turning in homework all week, than 9:00 it is.
        Once your routines and structures are in place, as parent, assess where you can strike a balance. Many parents report feeling “turned off” by the implied rigidity of routines and rules. At times, you will need to be flexible, but it is better to begin with a foundation than to let your child experience the internal stress and chaos of inconsistent and unpredictable rules and routines. They look to you to set the course- to let them know when they have stepped out of bounds. To do that, you first must clearly establish your boundaries, rules, and routines. As I recently heard from a parent, don’t be afraid to be “the captain” of your family ship. Happy sailing!