It’s 10:00pm on Wednesday night, and your phone rings. You soon realize that it’s Uncle Jesse and a wave of anxiety comes over your entire body. You know this can’t be good… Sound familiar? What do we do with the Uncle Jesse’s in our lives- the chronically troubled family member? Maybe it’s a family member that never seems to be able to hold on to a job or manage finances responsibly, or the “drama queen” trying to lure you into taking her side against the others, or a family member struggling with an addiction or major mental illness.

Typically, the first reaction is to help in some way. As family, there is a bond and kinship that implies responsibility and closeness to one another beyond other relationships. So, we care and we feel that we need to do something, because that’s what family does! But is our response really that helpful or caring? When Uncle Jesse gets bailed out of his rent for the fifth time this year, how is that helping? He got what he wanted, but was that really what he needed? Sounds like Uncle Jesse has learned (or been enabled) to not take responsibility for his actions. The message he receives loud and clear is “I don’t have to be an adult, someone will take care of this for me.” Also, pay attention to how you feel each time you are approached for “help.” Does your altruism and family spirit give way to feelings of obligation and resentment? Ask yourself if your action/reaction reinforces the “troubling” behavior in some way. If it does, you may want to take a step back and think it over or get an opinion from an unbiased third party. What might be a better way to help? Sometimes people have a difficult time recognizing that what they want isn’t really the best thing or even what they really need.

Of course, family members care for and help each other, but I recommend putting boundaries around how far you are wiling to go and how much you are willing to sacrifice in the name of family. A friend of mine was recently approached by a close family member for money to pay bills. My friend was fairly certain that this family member was abusing drugs at the time and the money would be paying for the next “fix”, but the desire to help family in need lead her to the decision to give the money requested. She felt the need to satisfy and honor a feeling of obligation to her family but decided that she would not pay any subsequent bills and told her family member so. It didn’t stop the requests from coming, but she stuck to her resolve and slowly the requests are diminishing. Her family member isn’t happy, but both have more respect for her now that she has clearly imposed her limit.

Families are often a wonderful source of support, love, and caring. That being said, being “family” doesn’t set you up for a lifetime of being taken advantage of unless you let it. Boundaries aren’t easy and take a lot of practice, but they are worth it to protect your personal and family integrity.

As a child, nothing excited me more than the last day of school before summer vacation. Freedom! Fast forward to now, and the children and teens I work with are just as excited as I was! But, sometimes parents dread the lazy days of summer and for good reason. Idle time can be a recipe for disaster, especially for children and teens with behavioral issues and attention and impulse control difficulties. Many of you probably have your own stories about the “trouble” you got into during the summer when no one was watching. While honoring the wonder and adventure of summer-time exploits, it is imperative that school aged children continue some kind of structured routine. Continue to enforce curfews, bedtimes, and morning alarms, but feel free to modify a bit from the school year schedule and be flexible at times. The Summer is a great time for young people to hone their artistic and athletic abilities and interests through community programs and specialized camp experiences. Maybe rediscover the library and the joy of reading books THEY get to choose!

Continued supervision during the summer is also very important. Know where your kids are, who they are with, and when they’ll be back. Check in periodically during the day with your pre-teens and teens to show you care but also to build trust (or uncover trouble before it gets too far!). Make sure your children know that the basic rules of the household don’t change just because school isn’t in session. Chores and family responsibilities are expected. Children often thrive in structured environments, so do them and yourself a favor by keeping those little (and not so little) hands and minds occupied!