In looking at family stress patterns, the boundaries that exist between family members and how information is shared between members based on those boundaries are important influential factors. Boundaries are, quite simply, the visible or invisible lines that define us as separate from one another. They also regulate closeness and how we behave. Boundaries fall into three categories: physical, social, and emotional. In lower stress families, boundaries are clearly defined and respected. When boundaries are not present or respected, families tend to dissolve into chaos. Chaos = Stress.
        When working with families, one boundary I see blurred quite often is that between parents and children. In an effort to promote family transparency, unity, and perceived equality, parents may “befriend” their children and share more information than a child is developmentally able to process or understand. According to Jean Piaget’s Stages of Cognitive Development, elementary school age children are able to perform concrete logical thinking but do not gain abstract thought until Adolescence. So, based on concrete thinking, a statement like “Grandma has cancer” is interpreted as “Grandma is ill and will die.” Witnessing a marital argument may be interpreted as “Mom and Dad are going to get a divorce.” When we share too much information about finances, family health issues, marital issues, etc., children tend to internalize that stress. They often become quite fearful. When speaking with your child about difficult family situations, remember that your child is not a mini adult- no matter how mature he or she may seem.

How well does your family create and respect boundaries?

• •Are family members allowed personal space? Does everyone have a “bubble”? What happens when someone “pops” someone else’s “bubble”? Are your children comfortable with how affection is shared in the family? Are they free to express their limits on affection and physical closeness? Is there zero tolerance for physical violence?

• •How does your family respect social boundaries? Do you and your children understand and respect the property of others? Are there rules at home everyone is expected to abide by? Are school rules followed and respected at home? Does your child understand the relational differences between family members, friends, teachers, and strangers? Are family arguments handled discreetly at home not in public?

• •How does your family respect emotional boundaries? Is there zero tolerance for name-calling and bullying? Do adults in the family consider the feelings and understanding level of children before sharing information? Are children free to play and “act their age”? Are children free to express their own feelings and preferences?

        When it comes to supporting your child’s academics, you know the basics: Children need food in their stomachs, a good night’s sleep, and adequate time to study and complete assignments. What aren’t always obvious are the factors that influence these basic educational needs. Many families struggle financially, work and live alternative or inconsistent schedules, and navigate difficult interpersonal relationships. This is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of family stressors that, when left unchecked, potentially have a detrimental effect on your child’s ability to learn and thrive in school and social relationships.
        You may be thinking, “Well, these are my issues. I send my child to school, so what’s the problem?” In families, no man is an island: our stresses and struggles effect everyone around us whether we intend them to or not. Negative or positive, notice how one person’s attitude has the power to change the entire climate of the dinner table conversation or family vacation.
        Children are emotional sponges; they soak up the predominant emotions around them. They also learn how to cope by observing you and your reactions. So, if you are stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, angry, anxious, etc. imagine what your child is picking up on. Research conducted by the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child has found that high levels of stress have a profound detrimental effect on brain development in young children, most notably, disruption of brain circuit connections during critical developmental periods of early childhood. Also, high levels of cortisol, our body’s stress hormone, in children not only suppress immune system response but also damage the areas of the brain responsible for learning and memory. When children experience high stress, they don’t know what to do with it. They do not have the cognitive ability to process and cope with stressors the way adults do. So, under stressful family conditions, it is common for children to have difficulty focusing at school and display disruptive outward behaviors or internalized anxious or depressive symptoms as forms of expression. Not quite the recipe for academic success, right?
        This article is the first in a series on coping with and decreasing family stress. Family boundaries, parental self-care, appropriate structure and routine, and positive communication are areas that will be covered to help you and your child live and function to your healthiest potential. Stress isn’t your problem; it’s a family issue. The good news is that you have the power and opportunity to make effective, often small, changes where needed to influence the health and positivity of your family.